Thursday, April 7, 2011

Leaving the building

you
take me to the zoo,
please
climb a rock with me,
or maybe
give me a sip of your cognac.

let me
tape you dancing,
disturb me while i finally study.
teach me
to eat some mustard
and let's laugh
at the women who don't get our joke.

find
that one videotape we watched over and over,
hand me a toothbrush -
your customary parting gift.
talk of
kings and gods,
girlfriends and friends,
enemies and money.
Strength.

see,
when i saw you all i thought was you really don't look good like this. abandonment thrashed plenty into my absent mind and it melted into a furnace of confusion that isn't going anywhere. well, i guess it's right then when you say, life dies, but dreams, only sometimes. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Thought of who

"I watch the stars from my window sill... the whole world is moving and i'm standing still.."

It's about me me me ME Me me ME ME me me me me ME ME ME ME ME ME! Did I say me? 

Sorry. I am sorry your life didn't turn out the way you wanted to. I'm sorry that you cry. I'm sorry that you make up stories, aches and pains to call me. Or her. Or them. I'm sorry that you are not strong like you used to be. You can't lift me up on one hand anymore. The seat of my world, no more. When you lie, I can see right through that wall around your head, a prison of your own making. You don't want to get up from bed, there's nothing to do today, no one to talk to, so you turn to one friend who has been therewith you through out, and it's no matter that he took you away from me. Her. Them.

I like that person. I understand why he means so much to you. He means a lot to me too. He makes tou talk at least, makes me talk at least, though no one really bothers to hear us out when we do. We don't even listen to each other so what do they matter. I know I am like you.

We let them go. We like to mess things up. We like to test ourselves. We screw up to a point of no return and then we cry. You and me.

What is it with this song? I'll tell you about it if you care to hear me out this once. I know you won't, that's why i'm writing here instead of actually calling you. This song pulled a tight heart string in me. For a long time, I thought it meant me, as I always do, make everything about me. And all of a sudden, I was wrong. This song means you. I know this is true because That Vein started hurting, The Genuine One. It did, and still does. 

I wish I could do anything to help you, but I won't and you won't let me. Both of us have past a willingness to make better. Both of us are worthless now. We want no one and don't want the ones we have. We avoid. We distance. We hurt. We don't care. We trouble. We sleep. We waste. This song is for you, as I know you to be. I may not be able to make you listen to it but know that I realize this song is not about me. It was always about you. 

Monday, March 7, 2011

What can I say?

Apologies.
Since the year of the 'downfall', I've been on an incessantly murky journey. No, longer than that. For a long time, I called it growth. I called it revelation. I somehow thought I could see it all in black and white. Pink and green, if I may. Ofcourse, grays are mostly what I got. Or orange rather. Like my orange house. Orange walls. Orange peeling off.
I also thought I thought something worthwhile. I thought I wrote something worthwhile. I thought I could do those worthwhile things. My frivolity wanted to stop but it never did for me and today I think that's what defines me. A frivolous, worthless object, trying too hard to be anything. Taking people onto this dusty highway with me, and then leaving them holding a cup of water and watching me scurry off to the next left turn. Taking on the task of doing something I don't want to for an evening, making a fool out of myself, just for the evening and thereafter. 
It goes on and I don't think it will stop. I am never under the influence of anything larger than me. It's me who loves you, me who hurts you and me who hates you. Me who cares about this whole world and me who cares only about my own. Me who talks too much often but me who can't answer a single question. 
Too often, I am faced with my own one, specially on mornings I wake up to and recall, like a blunt stump of an old tree cut down, 'what can I say that will make this go away?' its the toughest and I have no answer because even if I do have one, I will not carry it out because someone like me thrives on self-created misery, some sort of parasitic mania, subdued at all times but stinging myself in the eye. And I do love that kind of pain. 
We choose the people who enter into our lives and once they do, each for their own individuality, the absence of them leaves a vacuum that no other can fill. Sometimes, we send them invitations to enter and at other times, they crash into ours. They talk and they mean the words you hear. 
I can argue with myself for years now. R to A, A to R. I am a bit scared of my once cherished favourite passtime. Like that body bind curse that made me feel dead twice. I enjoyed the fear and confusion it provoked into a sleeping stone structure like me. 
I really have no point to make, apart from a warning sign to stay away from the diabolics of our population, comme moi.

Friday, February 18, 2011

The Patch-up

What a Greasy face I have today!
I did not sleep for the past two days...
A hot, sweet, sugary, cup of tea
Would really spring some sense in me.
Or maybe some ice cold lemonade
Would help my head and the mess I made.
But why make these promises I cannot keep?
The only thing missing is a good night's sleep.
I'm sorry Aqueous, here's a kiss and a hug,
So Cheers to all that and lets down our mug!

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

NH 37 : Summer Wine

I'm going back a decade or two. The most memorable part of my road trips with my parents is me lounging in the back seat, sometimes sitting low but mostly lying down, with the windows open, my head propped up against a bundled up jacket on the car door. That way the wind didn't mess up my hair and I could look at the sky and the occasional hills, that would poke up into the window frame. I would stare endlessly at the telephone cables, swooping low and rising up again till they reach the next pole. I would judge their symmetry and predict how high or low the next one would be. Sometimes birds sat on them and sometimes the cables vanished till the next post. I would fall asleep gradually, but since I can never sleep well unless it's my bed and it's silent, car honks, speed breakers, or my folks talking would wake me. I would turn over, because it gave me a back or leg ache to lie in one position, and listen to the cassettes they were playing. They had then and always have had a good taste in music, both. I liked what they played. They would take turns driving.

Sometimes I tried to be a part of their conversation but had less to contribute apart from how I was feeling (many times, sick), what township came next and whether we were going to stop there. My dad pointed out many things on the road, like a well-known culvert, some funny buildings, what the local people were doing in their fields and what it was called, and animals, especially the monkey duo with crazy names, who we met on one trip. Only once, he said something which I've only recently remembered. My mom likes wide, smooth roads with big, thriving trees on both sides. I think I do too. He mentioned it to her, and I poked in to understand what that meant. Ever since (but I stopped when the trips stopped), whenever we passed a road like that, I would tell her that this must be a road she liked. She would agree. Always. We would stop for puris, daab-pani (rarely, though, since I didn't like it much), to spot a rhino, at the circuit houses (where my mom was treated royally), for some booze, to buy me an exclusive can of coke, to look at the slopes of a healthy and expansive tea garden, to look at the monkeys at the temple of a village (especially the one who imitated the priest, a hilarious fella), to say hello to family on the way, for me to puke and gulp some water when I felt sick (especially on the winding hilly roads), to eat at dhabas with hyperactive hundred year olds wanting to come home with us, for me to take some pictures with my now ancient camera. Sometimes, I don't know why we stopped but I always liked a break to get down and stretch my legs. They would switch drivers then. Sometimes not, and just talk with the car doors open, the fields on both sides, breezy, sunny, clean and easy, watch the cars go by and the open landscape. They would smoke Wills.

I can't even remember who the others were apart from them, when we were driving back to home one time, and somehow, it was nightfall (we tried and completed all these 8-9 hours journeys in the daytime). There were 2 cars somehow and I don't remember who was driving but my folks were there in the same car with me. Me was in the backseat as usual, and I looked up between the seats when the driver remarked surprised. Wow! About 20 elephants stretched across the straight road ahead of us and no room for even a cycle to squeeze through, many kids among them and they were Huge. Ooh. It was was too exciting since we stopped and the friends in the car behind us stopped and discussed what to do. Duh. You could not go through them. Well, retreat it was. We stayed somewhere for the night I think, because I remember it was late and a pink lodge is swimming somewhere in that memory, or maybe we tried again later after they cleared out and got back to the journey home. The episode was a sight, in the beam of the car lights, in which I saw one of the most vivid memories of those times.

My things would be packed into one of their bags, usually by one of them. When I grew a little older I carried my walkman with me (the oldies were ancient now, I couldn't bear it anymore). Usually no one would accompany us and usually, these journeys were from home to Nani's place, where we would stay for a couple of nights and drive back. It was about 450 kms and we covered it in about 8 hours which was the average I calculated, with our stops and all. Leaving Nani's, I could always count on her to stand at the big balcony, looking down, in her white saree sometimes draping her head, rarely unaccompanied. I would always turn back and see her there and wave and she would wave back a mental Khuda Hafiz. Then we passed those huge gates and the road was ours again.

But, now. It's already a new decade and I am in my office. Nani is no more. We have a different car. Two houses. The landscape of 37 has changed. The hills that prequel the planes have been cut further and have turned an ugly, bare red. The towns are hotter and bigger. The circuit houses renovated into unfriendly smoothness, with no goats grazing around. The phone cables are ignored by me.The puris and peras are uneaten. And I am without my folks on those journeys but sometimes on short ones with friends, drinking my beer and smoking my Wills. 

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Mas

Moi jodi aji eta mas,
kali kiba beleg hom.
'Jibon nodir duti par'ot
eibar xui nejao.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Escapist

I thought I was out.
But, still here.
I thought the song was over,
but the dance continues.
I'm fed some sand and
I try to enjoy it too,
but I hear the right word,
and i'm a mad, raving dog.
It continues future foretold,
nothing but unsuitable distractions,
I'd love to see water on fire-
or maybe -(Sagittarius A*)- myself.