...or ending. anyway, before that. the new year. technically, the earth completes one revolution around the sun, in 365 days. that's it right? but only following the roman calendar. by that logic, any and every moment is a completion of a revolution, at each inch that the earth draws in direction to complete the cycle, at each micro milli second, a revolution is complete. so... sorry to burst that bubble called new year's day but there really isn't one. atleast to me. since i want to be the boss of my own time. not follow some jerk who decides the names of months and the number of days in it.
anyway. somethings seem fine while at the exact moment, turbulence of the highest order occurs. it seems fine when the rewards come by. and these could be rewards for anything. even just existence. so these rewards are motivating enough to look forward to the next reward but the problem lies when u know a higher truth. about everything- yourself, others, intentions, actions, the world, particles. everything. well, somewhat because i cannot know everything but it is at least a deeper realisation that most people i see around me. everything seems futile yet exciting. boring yet the best thing to do. how long is the problem. how long can I carry on my charade of inner and outer stage-play? but really, what else is there to do? i am tired of people and i don't want to go out and meet more people who have created more things and destroyed even more. seems like the endless spiral has crept up on me. and there is no way out. or wait. maybe there is. but not now anyway.
see there. that 'maybe there is'- thats the point of motivation. thats also the point of no return.
in between this sneaky mess is my human-ness. all those wonderful and crushing emotions. tears. anger. sympathy. love. grief. ego. endless as it is but it is there. and sometimes amplified by circumstance.but what to do? in every aspect of life there seems to be a conflict. taking on things that i can't handle is not a good passtime. in that process, in that paradigm, a lot gets wasted and a lot gets demolished. people get demolished. i do, atleast. i am in some sort of clamped glass case. a fish in a bowl. i can see but i can't touch. i can feel but i can't act. i am sure many people feel the same way and everyday that they do, they wonder what is it that actually binds us to the way we are going. people realise that it's not something as simple as following a moral or ethical protocol. they know it's like some intricate weaving of fate, the way they plan meticulously to cook up a dish or stitch something minute. the way things are meant to be undisturbed, the flow. and they retreat, like me, a bit angry with this system, into a parallel realm that exists inside them, one that surges into the open at times, but mostly remains hidden, not for another to see and jugde. they wind up a bit frustrated that they can't really rule their own worlds, that they are ordained by other fates, other threads of existence that aren't in their control. they know this but don't do anything. it really comes down to that. even by choice they are bound. now that is grim.
