grim beginning

...or ending. anyway, before that. the new year. technically, the earth completes one revolution around the sun, in 365 days. that's it right? but only following the roman calendar. by that logic, any and every moment is a completion of a revolution, at each inch that the earth draws in direction to complete the cycle, at each micro milli second, a revolution is complete. so... sorry to burst that bubble called new year's day but there really isn't one. atleast to me. since i want to be the boss of my own time. not follow some jerk who decides the names of months and the number of days in it.

anyway. somethings seem fine while at the exact moment, turbulence of the highest order occurs. it seems fine when the rewards come by. and these could be rewards for anything. even just existence. so these rewards are motivating enough to look forward to the next reward but the problem lies when u know a higher truth. about everything- yourself, others, intentions, actions, the world, particles. everything. well, somewhat because i cannot know everything but it is at least a deeper realisation that most people i see around me. everything seems futile yet exciting. boring yet the best thing to do. how long is the problem. how long can I carry on my charade of inner and outer stage-play? but really, what else is there to do? i am tired of people and i don't want to go out and meet more people who have created more things and destroyed even more. seems like the endless spiral has crept up on me. and there is no way out. or wait. maybe there is. but not now anyway.

see there. that 'maybe there is'- thats the point of motivation. thats also the point of no return.

in between this sneaky mess is my human-ness. all those wonderful and crushing emotions. tears. anger. sympathy. love. grief. ego. endless as it is but it is there. and sometimes amplified by circumstance.but what to do? in every aspect of life there seems to be a conflict. taking on things that i can't handle is not a good passtime. in that process, in that paradigm, a lot gets wasted and a lot gets demolished. people get demolished. i do, atleast. i am in some sort of clamped glass case. a fish in a bowl. i can see but i can't touch. i can feel but i can't act. i am sure many people feel the same way and everyday that they do, they wonder what is it that actually binds us to the way we are going. people realise that it's not something as simple as following a moral or ethical protocol. they know it's like some intricate weaving of fate, the way they plan meticulously to cook up a dish or stitch something minute. the way things are meant to be undisturbed, the flow. and they retreat, like me, a bit angry with this system, into a parallel realm that exists inside them, one that surges into the open at times, but mostly remains hidden, not for another to see and jugde. they wind up a bit frustrated that they can't really rule their own worlds, that they are ordained by other fates, other threads of existence that aren't in their control. they know this but don't do anything. it really comes down to that. even by choice they are bound. now that is grim.

Aqueous underwater

Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence

Dear Prudence, won't u come out to play? Dear Prudence, greet the brand new day? The sun is up, the sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are u. Dear Prudence, won't u come out and play?

Happiness is a myth that was created to make us buy things, quotes Shantaram. Apparently, Karla said so and I feel she was right. That alone throws a slice of my world into swirling chaos. "No happiness?!" says Heart. "What do i search for then? What am i supposed to tug the strings for then? Shite man. Am i just supposed to pump B-ve blood?"

"You're a fool," says Brain. "Happiness is some sort of satisfaction. Buy a couple of things, you know you want to. And when u make some more money, buy some more things. It's endless, I know. But what the hell, you like some of those things, don'tcha?"

"Fuck you both," says Consciousness. "There is nothing. Never was, never will be. Purposelessness has sunk in and it is here to stay. Understand more, leave this world aside. It is your only hope."

Aqueous is confused. Un"happy". Grumpy. Sad. Very confused. Aqueous wants to go swimming. Aqueous was water to surround her and block her ears. Aqueous wants gills so that she can stay under-water. Admire jellyfish and eels. Make friends with dolphins and sharks. Become a mermaid and surface mysteriously in uncanny places, to baffle humanfolk. Aqueous wants to understand underwater now.

Dear

Dear Prudence, open up your eyes. Dear Prudence, see the sunny skies. The wind is low and the birds will sing that you are part of everything. Dear fucking Prudence, won't u open up your eyes?

paranoia and the truth

i adore trees. forget fauna. they are what this planet is essentially made up of. tress, strong and beautiful, bending to form shapes of undeniable perfection, as they seem to me. each tangle of each branch is perfect, the form of any leaf, immaculate. the fruits. the seeds. the stems. the roots. perfection. the essence of life- a tree..

they seem to sad nowadays. stooping. bending to the whip of human whimsy. shimmering a dull gray amidst clouds of smoke. their statures axed without remorse. such beauty wasted. each tree. every sapling. crushed under a poisonous heel.

You are so wrong. you don't look back do you? you are so short-sighted, ignorant, self-obsessed. well guess what. there is something bigger than you. something you cannot understand. something you have not created. its the universe that does not give a fuck.

bring it on. let's see you build plastic out of nature. build machines out of innocence. design artificial intelligence. the next step of evolution. do what you think you ought to. with that lethal weapon of yours. your superior brain. no claws. no canines. no sting. no strength also. but a brain. fragile as the latest nano technology. a brain. Oooh! goosebumps. hold it carefully. seal it with some more plastic if u have to. bubble-wrap your treasure. because, unless u do that, one fine day, the earth will grow tired of being an abused housewife and will shake u off like a bad case of fleas.

a family. career. jobs. political manifestos. coffee. books. guitars. pets. love. cars. wars. oil. and those small bits of paper, the monies. as useless as a body after death. infact, it is useless right now. you just think differently. but it is everywhere. making small notes in the eternal diaries. humans. animals. trees. earth. have you ever killed an ant?

i don't care anymore. i know something that you don't. i hope you do realize it soon. because their isn't much time. there isn't anywhere to go. there isn't any purpose of anything. what fools. what i need to do is accept this. that you are never going to learn. you are far too meaningless to learn. and i don't want to blog about you anymore either.

The end of us.

As far as relationships go, I think you may have been my longest. After all, I've known you for seven years and many people will bear testimony to the fact that I don't care to maintain thriving relationships. So anyway, here we are today. If I were in a dark room, you would glow with your luminescence, a power that you have over me. You have pulled me, pushed me into you, invited me, cradled me. Many nights I slept in irrefutable peace, as you watched over me. Well, rather, cast an unbreakable spell over me. So many days that I spent without you, I thought about the comfort that you give me. The sense of utter mortal fulfillment that you dole out. You- my lover  on so many good days, and my confidante on so many bad. You alone make me reek with uncontrollable laughter that I myself do not know the cause of. I am different in your company, more human and more vulnerable than ever before. 

You leave me damaged. You leave me enraged. Frustrated beyond words by your absence and retching in your presence. I have exchanged many honest vows with you, spoken words no one has ever heard. And, do you realise where it has brought me today? You compel me to act and in those mysterious guidelines, I have lost my purpose. My own meaning, depth, all over taken by You. Already! Strange, because, relationships don't work this way. I will give up everything and watch myself fall as many others have fallen before me?

I could end this with some standard words that I have picked up. "We can still be friends", "It's not you, it's me!", "I just need my space right now". But, no. As close as we have been, I need to show you utter honesty. It's over, lover. You never should have come over. And so, alcohol, you bitch, I'm breaking up with you.

the first.

This is the first one. Not sure if i already want to plunge in or just sift through the water for a while. But the undercurrents are strong.