blues on tues

Light my way, Virginia May. Great accidental discovery. 

Spontaneous combustion

ki khobor tur?

theeke theeke.. i'm still working with my old company, on a new project that I don't give a rat's ass about. Personal life seems to be in tatters along with managing finances. But i'm learning not to whine. Many things can be fixed with beer, and for that which cannot, there's always worse stuff lurking at the bottom of your pockets.

tur ki khobor?

i'm okay. finance wise, don't ask. otherwise doing quite well. can't seem to get the company moving. did a play. full houses and all but after that, i'm too tired to think of doing something new. Personal life? hmm...what's that? I've already given up hopes for that. But all in all, i can't say i'm unhappy. and i can't say i'm ecstatic.

hehe. i feel on the verge of something extremely transient. unfortunately, don't know how to jump start that. keep in touch bujiso. would like updates and I am sure you would lurve to know about mine. thoroughly fascinating as it is.

I sometimes feel like shifting out of here. to some place new. It's like i need a newer place. a new town a new city. but then i think a little more, and then i feel i need atleast two more years here after this. i just don't know. you ever feel like getting out of that place?

i know exactly what u mean. few months back i was all set to move somewhere, was considering options too. then i decided that all cities will be more or less the same, and that I am not done with this place...yet! i mean, wtf. so my plans changed overnight. i would be content if i could take regular breaks and just take off somewhere for a while, but no sir, that also is not happening! after what passed this year, i was all set to revolutionize my life. did. not. happen.

It's just that every time i sit down to think, i always get stuck on how long everything will take. sheeeesh. i need some more madness in my life. i need a whirlwind romance and some mad people. I need to get drunk on the streets and creatively enhance myself. i need to get work done. finish things that i started. most importantly.

i think it's time to just close shop with those things, maybe even only in your head. i hate monotony so much that i willfully screw up perfectly simple and 'nice' things, just to see how bad it can get. but yes, i too feel the static.. not a good feeling at all. which is why i do what i do, and then things simply spiral instead of moving anywhere linear (?).

exactly. I'm beginning to get the whole circular notion of time rather than it being linear. anyway, eez not cool. I need something nice, dramatic to happen. not bad. nice. Something that gets me somewhere. you know?

i think maybe we reach a point where we invite Anything to happen. nice is good, but if not, who cares, things are moving! ridiculous actually. like a split second life altering decision that you have not thought through.

hz my sister doing? u guys still together or what?

no. no. we broke up. long back. and too long a story. lets not get into that. not that its very hurtful or anything. just that it reminds me that i was the bad boy here. i need something to happen. something to give. good or bad but something that leads me to something concrete in the way i want my life to unfold. i guess its too much to wish for. but that's the way i feel. can't help it.

aah. ok.. atleast u ppl avoid ambiguity in your relationships. mine reflects the conflicts in my head, and is resulting in disasters with no fault of the other. need to get me sorted man.

relationships are bound to fail yo. i know its almost overtly pessimistic but i guess people who come into your life have a shelf life. after a point you'll get tired of them. want someone new. something new. and its unavoidable. atleast in my case i gather.

are u kidding me? it's a truth i've known all along and ironically shelved until recently, where it gathered strength and overthrew my clean cut regime of a relationship. i don't know whats happening. don't particularly want to confront it either, since i'm not in a position to play victim. i'm learning to be manipulative u know. i think it's a good skill to have and use sometimes.

manipulation is good. but it kills the heart. i like to play the romantic. it means i can move from one attraction to the other, knowing full well its my hearts business and not for my mind to rationalize.keeps me sane. keeps me from thinking too much about it. and keeps my sense of no morals alive inside me. at least social morals.

it's a weird sort of kick i say. but if you're so fluid in your ventures, what on earth is stopping you? change the routine a bit, you will see results.

No,see i like the feeling of falling for somebody. i like the feeling of being in love. but its just that all of that is so ephemeral. its all lost in transition you see. of constant change and all those beautiful things.

if i 'msleeping with someone, i'd have to want to talk to the person. know her. listen to her, try and understand maybe, take a genuine interest in her. be in love maybe. but then there is hardly any poin to holding on to any of this for a lifetime. even when maybe you klnow, you should let go. and i'm not even talking about heartbreaks and growing beyond someone else. just that maybe you've found someone you find more interesting. or just waning interest. you know the person too well. you are now bored. too long eh? i guess the first half of it makes a little sense.

Slippery September

Running straight into the things I tried to get away from. My methods don't work or maybe there are things much stronger than only my will... and unlikely as I thought that to be, I am surprised by the constant dogging, nagging, irritating forceful extraction that only strengthens the spirals. A new discovery- Karma doesn't bite back at your actions, but at your intentions. 

Defeat is not so fine. Just as Eid has passed I feel like a certain spark has died out. I tried very hard to keep me going, to ignore my base instincts and move at least. It's not working out and I'm back to the start where I don't care anymore, about anything..

It's quite lonely here, at the bottom and I can't find a way to go. Didn't mean to sound so depressive, but .... can't say tomorrow will be any better...